Anxiety is no stranger to me. I have battled it for several years now. However, the last year & a half or so, it has been pretty much nonexistent. Sure, it will rear its ugly head from time to time, but I now have the tools to conquer it fairly quickly. The main tool being Truth.
When I was struggling with anxiety pretty badly, breaks off of work were the absolute worst thing for me. Getting out of my daily routine seemed to throw me off balance, as well as not seeing my students. Something about doing for them made me strong & helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Yesterday, I woke from a two hour nap filled with anxiety. I was consumed with fear because I had no idea where it was coming from. I had not felt this way in so, so long. I tried to find the source, or root, of what was causing this anxiousness in my mind & body. After battling a couple hours, I forced myself to get up & mill around the house. I started watching Parenthood & within minutes turned into a blubbering mess on the couch. I reached out to a few friends to pray for me & hoped that sleep would rid me of this awful anxiousness.
I woke this morn feeling good, really good. I was so thankful! I ran some errands, picked my niece up & took her to lunch. I had one fleeting thought that, again, filled me with anxiety. I lost my appetite. I felt nauseous. All of the things that “used” to plague me when in the anxiety pit came flooding back. This old familiar feeling evoked much fear & I just wanted out.
Later when I got home, my mind was racing trying to figure out what the issue, or trigger, was.
Finally, it came to me. I was consumed with shame over my actions. Both past & present. I kept thinking, “Why did I do that?”, “What was I thinking?”, “I am so foolish.” Once again, I was creating a trap in my mind that focused on me, me, me. What I did wrong. What people think of me. How I am perceived.
In reality, there’s a 99% chance no one is thinking about me. No one cares what I said or did. It is over & in the past. If, for some reason, someone did have an issue with something I said or did, or if I offended someone... it is their responsibility to tell me. I cannot consume myself with what “could” happen or what someone “could” be thinking. What a miserable way to live.
I was feeling so blah that I did not want to have Community Group tonight. However, the Lord had a message just for me... funny how He does that.
1 Peter 5:6-7, “So be content with who you are, & don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.”
I have been created complete, lacking in nothing. He has created me just as I am to glorify Him. My overly anxious, overthinking mind & all. No, He does not want me to be anxious & have that struggle, but every time it pops up, I find myself running to Jesus. It keeps me close to Him & reminds me of who is in control, & it is definitely not me. I am learning, slowly, to be content with who I am.. because He is content with me, after all, I am His